A while back I wrote a post about strength and conditioning and avoiding injury. (Link here). And I had said that my own recovery story was for another day. Well here we are. The fact is that I have tried to sit down and write this article so many times. And every time I try, I feel like I end up at a loss for words. This is something that is very difficult to explore, and I would be lying to you if I said that this wasn’t emotional to try and put all of my thoughts down. So please bear with me as I’m not an expert, and this is still something that I personally deal with every day.
Some background: My senior year of college I tore my ACL a month before my black belt test; I didn’t know it was torn at the time. I was young and stubborn and didn’t want to get an MRI or slow my life down. So I pushed through the pain and tested for my 1st degree rank of Cho Dan and passed! Slowly my knee started to feel better and better so I just thought I was all set. However, over the course of the next year and a half my knee gave out on me on multiple occasions. Begrudgingly I scheduled an appointment, and sure enough… not only did I tear my ACL, but because I had walked around with no ACL for so long, I had torn my meniscus in the process. Surgery was inevitable.
I knew going into that surgery that it was going to be physically very painful. I knew it was going to be a long recovery. What I didn’t expect was the mental toll that it took on me. Not being able to move easily for months. Looking at my leg for the first month of PT thinking, my leg is so weak right now I can barely even contract my quad, let alone walk. It was frustrating and infuriating at times. I also felt very lost. Being active is a core piece of who I am, and not being able to walk on my own for months was mentally unfathomable.
I got through my 6 months of intense physical therapy, and continue my physical conditioning to this day. I can say that my knee feels better than ever. But in my head I’m still so afraid. I’m scared to do the jump in Sip Soo that caused me to hyperextend my knee and tear my ACL all those years ago. I’m worried about overdoing it and hurting myself again. See this is the part that no one seems to talk about; I feel like I’m constantly mentally battling myself between what I know I can do and trusting my body to be able to handle the moments when I push it.
Time heals all things; I believe this to be true. But sometimes the scars don’t always completely fade. I had a scare about a year ago when I was at the gym; I felt my knee give out and it immediately sent me into a panic attack. I thought “not again, I can’t have this happen again”. So I know that this is something that I am still working on. For me, therapy has been a great tool for my mental recovery. I would love to tell you that there is an easy fix, or a one size fits all solution, but that simply isn’t true. But if you have gone through something/anything similar to this, I want you to know you aren’t alone. It’s normal to experience your feelings, but that doesn’t mean you have to experience them on your own. Give yourself the time and grace you deserve to heal, and don’t be fearful of reaching out when you need help.
