When we start training in martial arts it is easy for us to believe that the main goal of any self defense situation is to dominate your attacker making them regret that they attacked you! After all, why do we learn how to block, punch, choke, or throw? What we learn at some point (for some, unfortunately this is much later than others) though is that the best solution is to avoid a physical altercation if at all possible using other strategies to get out of trouble. This is known as De Escalating the Situation.
The old adage, “Sticks and Stones will break my bones, but names will never hurt me.” applies here. When an aggressor (Sometimes an acquaintance, other times a complete stranger) is trying to hurt your ego by verbally attacking you, just ignore them and even smile back. If you refuse a gift from someone, it belongs to the sender! Read the aggressors’ emotions, if they appear to begin to look like they are approaching you with balled up fists, you know that you will have to execute some other strategies.
When someone is angrily approaching you, keep your hands up close to your temples, but keep them open. This will make you seem more open and less aggressive not only to the attacker, but also to any surrounding bystanders or video surveillance. In this instance, keep your distance and attempt to reason with the aggressor. Looking less threatening will also help you with reasoning with them.
Footwork also plays a key role here, believe it or not. Pivoting your direction or moving laterally suddenly will distract the aggressor and will also help you maintain your distance. When the focus is anger, this distraction will be a healthy one for the aggressor.
This next point is underrated in my opinion and that is empathy. What a lot of us need to focus on in conflict resolution is being a good listener to the other party (Especially when the aggressor is your significant other). Listening is more than just hearing. Listening is making sure that the other party knows that you care and understand their grievances. Let’s break it down into three easy steps.
- Listen to understand and repeat what the other person said. If you don’t understand correctly, you may need to repeat step number one until you do understand.
- Validate. Make sure that the aggressor knows that their anger or distress for a situation is understood and legitimate. This will also help the aggressor know that you are on the same page and the same team as they are. Instead of a combative approach to the situation, we now have a collaborative approach to the situation
- Ask them, “Is there anything that I can do?” and give them some potential options. Don’t try to solve their problems for them, however. Think back to a time when you were upset. Did you like it when someone didn’t understand and validate your feelings just giving you advice? You probably hated that. Giving them options allows them the opportunity to take ownership of the situation and the solution. In Andrew Carnegie’s How to Win Friends and Influence People he points out that people are more likely to buy into an idea if they believe it to be their own!
Having the skills to De Escalate the Situation are just as important to practice as First Aid or CPR training. You need to take the time to refresh and practice those skills in the event that they are necessary. If you would like to read more on De Escalation, I recommend reading The 15 Laws of De Escalation by Brendan King. It’s a short book, but has a lot of important skills and ideas with regard to avoiding unnecessary conflict.
